The Five Ways to Motivate

Getting others motivated is often a tough and challenging task. Recently I learned of a model I wish to pass along. It was provided by Hannah Feldberg of Free the Children (www.freethechildren.com), the largest youth helping youth through education organization in the world. Based on the work of Gary Chapman, it assumes that early in our lives we each developed unique emotional patterns. Because each of us is wired differently, as a consequence we have different motivation needs. With all this difference, however, there are five basic motivational preferences. Chapman calls these preferences, "Really Personal Motivators" or RPM’s. They can help guide us in being more effective.

Typically we have one RPM we are most comfortable with, and is most effective on us. While other approaches often work, this one approach gets the most traction internally and reflects the way we operate in the world. The problem is we were all raised with the Golden Rule; “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Thus, the way we like to be motivated is the way we frequently will motivate others. We can increase our effectiveness by considering how others want to be energized and valued. If we know their RPM, then our task becomes easier.

The five motivation styles are:
1. Verbal affirmation
2. Quality time
3. Giving and receiving gifts
4. Acts of service
5. Appropriate touch

The verbal affirmation preference type responds best to words expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation. Indirect expressions, public praise and private comments work equally well. Hannah at Free the Children comments, “Remember Mark Twain, who said, ‘I can live for two months on a good compliment.’”

The quality time preference gets motivated when a boss or co-worker puts their work aside to talk, grab coffee, share a meal or invest in doing something together. It is motivating when another goes out of their way to provide meaningful and focused presence. If you are a Blackberry frequent flyer, watch out. It is the clearing of the calendar, and undivided attention that has significance and impact. Sneak peeks at your PDA will get noticed and your efforts will be diminished.

The giving and receiving gifts preference is motivated when someone makes small, tangible offers of kindness or appreciation. Coffee on a desk, or a small card left to be discovered, are both examples of this style. It is evidenced when one goes out of their way for another, without being asked or prompted. It is the act of being thoughtful through a gift that carries the meaning.

Acts of service implies just that. You go out of your way to help or support a colleague without asking. It is often a practical act that would otherwise go unnoticed. Hannah explains, “It’s assisting a co-worker with simple and often mundane chores. Or doing something kind like bringing them lunch because they’ve been in a meeting and haven’t eaten that carries the motivational effect.”

The appropriate touch preference is motivated by physical contact. A gentle touch on the arm while talking, or a pumped high five in celebration, are two examples. A small amount of human touch shows that you appreciate and care through non-verbal efforts. Of course, don’t become “creepy boss or co-worker”. If you don’t know what I mean, then just avoid this style.

In the end, we are all like cars hurtling down the highway with a five-channel CB radio. No matter what I do or how loudly I do it, if you are motivated by one style and I am trying another (usually what works for me) it probably won’t be too effective. Like you being on channel one and me on channel four. You can shout all you want. It won't get through. This can leave you feeling unappreciated for your efforts and short of your motivation goals.

Next time you wish to provide some motivation, consider expanding your approach using the RPM model and remember to motivate unto others the way they want to be motivated!

Silence, Nature and Truth

I just spent a week in Rocky Mountain National Park with my wife’s extended family. Visiting a different national park every year has become an annual tradition. We hike, laugh and enjoy each others' company. This year’s highlight was a solo hike into the mountains, alone in the grandeur of a godly place.

I find it fascinating that throughout history, when every great religious prophet wanted to connect with God, they went alone into nature. Jesus and Moses wandered the desert. Buddha sat under a bodhi tree. Mohammed prayed in the wilderness. The Aborigines have their walk-about. First Nation’s people their vision quest, and for centuries mystics have isolated themselves in deep woods or caves, speaking to empty air, eyes inward.

Why?

Part of the answer is in silence itself. Every religious tradition teaches, it is in silence that God speaks the loudest. When we are silent, the chattering veil of our mind begins to fade away allowing a connection to something deeper.

This was beautifully stated by the poet Rumi, when he wrote, “The mystery cannot by answered by repeating the question, nor can it be bought by going to amazing places. Only until I have silenced the eyes and stilled the heart. Only then can I begin to cross over from confusion.”

In the quest to understand our greater truth, silence becomes the mother tongue. It is the essential first step to greater wisdom.

But being quiet, in and of itself, is not the teaching. The lesson of the prophets is more than just silence. The prophets teach us instead to be silent in nature.

There is a quality that exists in the natural world that many of us seek. It is the way things happen, a divine order, which has a sense of “this is the way it should be”. We can call this quality “is ness”; as in “it just is”.

This “is ness”, the events of natural life, have happened on this planet an infinite amount of times, an infinite number of days beyond human knowing. This natural order occurs without the addition or imprint of human preference or perspective.

For example, when a bobcat kills a rabbit it is never personal between the two. If a strong wind blows down a maple, it is not a deliberate premeditated act by the wind against the tree. Instead it is what happens every day in the natural world; actions without prejudice, revenge, or ego. The only considerations are food, shelter or continuation of the species. Everything in nature, unlike what is created by humans, occurs without personal agenda.

Why is this important?

Quantum physics teaches that everything has a “field” around it, a molecular energetic at an atomic level that interacts with the “fields” of other things. If you place two pendulum clocks together, they will synchronize their tick-tock swings. Women who live together often report their monthly cycles coordinating over time. Fields mutually affect one another and in matters of impact, it is the larger field that effects the smaller. After all, the earth revolves around the sun, not the other way around.

This is the wisdom of the prophets. Every time we place ourselves in the larger field of nature, we create an opportunity to be shaped and changed by nature’s “is ness”. By being in this larger field, we reset our own basic truths, we realign beyond agenda and ego to a deeper place.
For over twenty-five years in northern Canada I have put people into the wilderness for a solo experience. The instructions are usually simple. Find a spot that calls you. Sit quietly. Do not do anything. Just be. Make wherever you are, in however it feels right, your home.

Upon return, in almost every case, I am struck by a certain quality that returnees exhibit. The eyes are often exceptionally bright, and the voices soft and quiet. No matter what the experience, each returnee comes back changed. This transformation is not typically about what was seen but what was felt. It was less that people changed, but instead stood more revealed.

A few years ago I was sitting on the shores of Lake Onondaga with Chief Orville Lyons, of the Onondaga Nation. Chief Lyons was telling me about his people’s various paths to wisdom. After 30 minutes of discussing initiatory rites and ceremonies, he paused, his voice almost a whisper. As if telling me a great secret, he said, “You know. If you really want the truth…ask a tree.”

Verbal Aikido

The law of Probability Dispersal decrees that whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. -- Unknown

In aikido, when someone is dead set on an attack, an interesting response is to “take someone’s balance”. On the mat this means you literally go to where their body is not and shift your attacker's balance by taking advantage of their rigidity. For instance, if attacked hard from the right, you step in close to their left and with a small movement create an imbalance in their focus and thus force them to change approach. By not engaging directly in the attack, but sidestepping it, you turn the assault from rigid to fluid.

In a human interaction you can use the same approach of take someone’s balance by carefully noting the tone and intention of the communication.

Have you ever been in the following situation? In a meeting someone raises his or her hand to ask a question. After calling on them out pops the following, “Why don’t we seem to care more about our staff?” The question leaves you in a defensive position, a bit flabbergasted and unsettled.

“Why of course I care” you start. But the look on your face shows a little shock and discomfort that’s translated into lack of surety. The asker is subtly smirking, drawing a line in the sand and silently demanding an instant response. The old saying, “Never let ‘em see you sweat” isn’t working. You have lost.

Why?

Because you were “attacked” in a manner that prevented any real possibility of response or resolution. The goal was not to discuss or resolve the issue. Instead the goal was to try and surprise you and create a position of power and one-ups-manship. Sometimes this is conscious. Often times not. But the results are always the same. The strategy worked because the query did not allow for any positive movement or resolution. There was no room to reach common ground. You become essentially “pinned” by a demand. Held fast by an indirect statement embedded in a question.

Interestingly the opposite scenario is also possible. Sometimes we can become pinned just by an irresolvable statement alone. For instance, your boss out of the blue and staring in your general direction says, “Our customer service was very disappointing this month!”

What can you say, “No it wasn’t!” Not likely. Shift into therapist mode with “You sound upset.” Only if you are not particularly interested in keeping your job. Again you have been pinned and for the same reason; handed an impossible point with a delivery manner that did not allow for movement or resolution.

In both cases, however, you have an option— “taking someone’s balance”. This strategy works effectively because the positions held are rigid and inflexible and not in spite of it. Taking someone’s balance means we step out of the way of the attack and effortlessly respond with the opposite posture. Like on the mat, we do not engage in their rigidity but seek a position that is 180 degrees from their delivery method.

This means if asked an irresolvable question reverse the query by asking for the statement. If you are the target of an aggressive statement, flip instead to a question.

In the first case, if challenged by a question, reversing it with a request for a statement helps to get at the hidden position in the query. Feeling “stuck” is often as a result of knowing there is a strong unacknowledged point of view. But because it’s unacknowledged it’s impossible to respond to and thus create movement. When unspoken this strong opinion basically can leaves one shadow boxing, trying to dance and weave from an unknown assault.

The response is simple. Calmly say, “It sounds like you have a point of view. I can respond more effectively if I hear your statement. What is it?” Consider the above example about supporting line workers. You might hear, for instance, “Well, I believe we don’t value our staff. In fact I don’t feel particularly valued.” This is now an opening that you can react to for further dialogue and possible resolution. The door has been opened for a more honest and forthright interaction.

In the opposite situation, when attacked by a statement try instead reversing it with a question.

Consider the boss’ challenge about customer service. The simple oppositional response is to say, “Robin. I can understand you are upset about service. I really want to take action but I don’t know what to do with your comment. Can you ask me a question I can respond to instead?” is very helpful. What you have done is to shift your boss away from a rigid positional stance into a potential dialogue. She might respond by saying, “What I’d like to know is what can we do to improve order fulfillment times?” Now you have something to work with and a discussion has just been entered rather than a one-sided and closed encounter.

A fine-point to using both techniques is to notice how in both situations you made a subtle request for what you wanted. In the first scenario, it was “It sounds like you have a point of view. I can respond more effectively if I hear your statement. What is it?” In the second, you directly say “Can you ask me a question I can respond to instead?” But note, both times you made sure you asked for what you wanted.

The time to use “taking someone’s balance” is when you are feeling stuck in a tough situation. Your instincts will tell you when to apply these techniques. Just remember, the next time you are feeling challenged but not sure why it is likely you are facing an irresolvable attack. It is irresolvable because its nature does not allow for forward movement or resolution. This feeling of being pinned is a consequence of literally no wiggle room. When this happens try using “taking someone’s balance”. Just take the energy being given and do the opposite.

Try this: When you feel yourself pinned in a conversation, see if you can step away from the interaction. If pinned by a question, seek the statement in the moment. If held by a statement, go for the question.