All In

Picture this. Your only brother's son is a senior in college. He is about to begin his final semester but emotionally is starting to crash and burn. Depressed, alienated and suicidal, his completion of a degree seems unlikely at best, his very life in jeopardy. He lives three hours away and you are a busy person with a full life. What would you do? Plan a visit? Call weekly? Maybe even pay for some therapy? All good and loving responses, but do they reflect your true and unconditional love? Are they actions that match the easy words we bandy about such as "family", "commitment" and "sacrifice".

This was the issue recently facing an old friend. And his response was nothing short of inspirational and stunning. Starting the first of the year, he is moving in with his nephew for the semester--a permanent roommate and support system to help his brother's son graduate from college.

He told me, "I figured if I'm there I can be a friend, uncle and guide. I can make sure he keeps at it, graduates and hopefully turns his life around. He's got a good chance if he gets his degree. If not, he'll regret it for the rest of his life. We'll get an apartment together, hang out and I'll do what needs to be done. Of course, I'll also keep him safe."

What enhances this story is that my friend is married, has a full life (job, friends, etc.) and is sixty-one years old. This will require some significant shifts on his part and the part of his wife. I think it is a remarkable response of love and compassion and one that leaves me questioning my own levels of sacrifice to what I truly value. My friend is also a very passionate poker player, and has a great love and talent for the game. This is especially true for the most popular of all poker games, "Texas Hold Em". On more than one occasion I have seen him go "all in", betting his entire stake on one hand. It seems to be in his nature to occasionally make a stand that literally puts his money where his mouth is. It is this nature, I believe, which allows him to take such a full-hearted commitment for his nephew's life.

I am reminded that the word "commitment" comes from Latin, committere, meaning "to keep safe" or "to be on a mission of safety". In this season of professed love and sacrifice, it is humbling to witness one who quietly and with great dignity has put it all on the line for what he believes. For my friend it's no big deal; words and actions need to be aligned.

I think it is a valuable exercise for us all at the start of this new year, to honestly ask ourselves, "For whom or what am I truly willing to go all in?"

We

After the game the king and pawn go in the same box.
-Italian proverb

A frequent small exercise I have client groups engage in is to say, “Close your eyes. Now please point to true North.” When they open their eyes, typically fingers are going in every direction, including up! I couldn’t care less whether they actually know true North, but the metaphor is whether the individual fingers in the room are all pointing to the same place. This is the notion of we.

You hear the word a lot. “We are in this together”, “We need to be a better team”, “We must all get on board”, “We need to better communicate with each other”—these are but a sampling of comments from almost all most any business setting on any given day. But what does “we” really mean?

“We” is a feeling shared by people who work in any system. “We” means that every “I” understands the big picture and that when “I” act independently I am mindful of the larger organizational focus. In an accelerated and complex environment it is the best definition I know of for teamwork; that when I act, I may not seek the agreement or input of everyone I work with, but I keep the well-being of the whole in mind and behave accordingly.

The “whole” is defined as the composite of critical individual roles and jobs, the larger mission and vision, and the business environment in which one operates. It’s not everything, but it is everything that has meaning.

Moving an organization from “I” to “we” is no easy task. In a culture that relishes self-sufficiency and individualism, leaders who push for change are running against the tide of independence. What helps is to make sure you consistently provide everyone in the organization with the bigger picture of where you are, where you are going and why you are going there. John Kotter of Harvard University, a leading research voice on why change efforts fail, says you probably need to do it ten times more than you are actually practicing. Think about it. Whatever you are doing communication wise, do it at least five times more to be even remotely safe.

This can have a huge positive impact. Because the more everyone understands the bigger picture, the more connected, engaged and responsible everyone will be to the whole. This helps to meet the larger goals while better leveraging all talent.

Peter Drucker, the great management theorist wisely wrote, “No organization can depend on genius; the supply is always scarce and unreliable. It is the test of an organization to make ordinary human beings perform better than they seem capable of, to bring out whatever strength there is in its members, and to use each one’s strength to help all the others perform. The purpose of an organization is to enable common people to do uncommon things.”

Karma and Grace

We walk in two worlds.

The first is the world of karma, a Sanskrit word meaning “cause and effect”. All great religious traditions at their core level teach this concept. “What you reap is what you shall sow” is an example of this belief—that one’s actions are at the heart of the consequences of one’s life. Aesop said it well, “No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.”

The second world is that of grace. Grace comes from the Latin root word gratia, and means “to receive unearned favor from God”. We don’t do anything for this—it is, as the word says, unearned. There is no need to do anything to receive grace; it is part of the operating system you get for being alive. At the heat of this concept is that regardless, we are forgiven.

In this holiday season I think the secret is to live one’s life with the intention of karma, but to know we are always in grace. To assume that all our actions will have impact, and thus to strive as best as we can to be as good as we can. To try to live as an example to others, and to act as if in every movement our actions, responding to the laws of karma, will shape our future.

But at the same time, to imagine we live in a larger grace, and no matter what, it is OK. To trust there is nothing to prove, and to relax into a deeper knowing, that regardless our lives have meaning and favor from something larger than ourselves—and we don’t have to do anything for it. That you were wanted into existence, and that “wanting” brings with it a sense of perfection, no matter what.

Karma begs the question, “How do I live as if every action means something?” while grace asks, “How do I live as if every action is forgiven?” It is between these worlds that we can find our uniqueness and contribution and remember the middle ground in walking our lives.