The Hard Ask

Tip O'Neil, the legendary speaker of the house from Massachusetts, served from 1952-1987 in the US Congress. What is less well known is he lost his first campaign. As a senior at Boston College he ran for the Cambridge City Council and was defeated by only 150 votes. Afterwards he was talking with a neighbor, and he inquired, "Did you vote for me?"

"No" she responded.

"Why not?" the incredulous O'Neil asked. "How could you not support me?"

"Because" she quietly stated. "You never asked."

A powerful lesson for O'Neil, he never lost another election for 35 years.

The poet Rumi says, "You must ask for what you truly want." All great coaches basically offer the same advice. First, be crystal clear about your needs and the more specific the better. Consider the lesson of the woman who kept praying for a life companion who would love and adore her, be there no matter what, and she would do the same. She came home one day to find a dog on her porch!

Step two, as simple as it sounds, ask! So much in our lives goes unstated, with assumptions that either the other should know or we don’t deserve what we want. It is not anyone else’s business to take care of your needs. That is your job. If you are not willing to do it, then it’s true…you do get what you ask for. This is a lesson I've learned from my wife, who plans exactly what she wants every year for her birthday. I on the other hand, spent years in birthday disappointment until she gave me the hard facts. "If you want your birthday to be special, then design it the way you want. Don't expect me to do it for you!" I've had some great parties since.

Today, consider something you really want, and make the request. If it is fair, and appropriate, you might be surprised. You certainly won't be any worse than if you had never asked in the first place. Nothing is the same as nothing. It also allows another the opportunity to support your dream. In the end, that is a good deal for all.

In Praise of Flip Flopping

I have been watching the news with interest lately as the term "flip-flopper" has been bandied about. It seems to be the strategy for painting a candidate as weak or unsure. In defending themselves, candidates have continually used the phrase, "As I have said all along..." to justify their positions. They bristle at the word, as pundits and political surrogates continually try and paint them with this brand.

I could not disagree more with this philosophical view.

In my experience, great leaders continually reassess situations and only the very foolish or fundamentally flawed will hold a position long after wisdom or judgment informs otherwise. A very strong case can be made that our current president has consistently held to decisions long after a changing environment would guide otherwise. By his own admission, Bush says he is not "self-reflective" as if this is a point of pride. The ability to learn from our mistakes, admit error and change course is the first thing you teach MBA students or even your own child as a key to success. But somehow this has not been the case with our current political environment. By using the term over and over (in one random two hour span of watching CNN I heard it 12 times) we only serve to solidify our national obsession with stubbornness and lack of flexibility. We think this is a good thing. It is not.

Show me a business leader who has not over time changed his or her mind on significant strategy issues and I will show you an unemployed one. Good leaders set strong direction. Great leaders continually adjust within essential key values to a changing world around them. Are you the same person today that you were ten years ago? Are the choices you made then the best ones for today? If you wouldn't wear the same hair style or clothing that you did in 1998, why would you continue on important matters to hold to positions that no longer make sense? This is the craziness of the "flip-flopper" position.

There is a difference, of course, between changing one's position because of new information versus political advantage. The first shows deep leadership character while the second has an odor of cynicism surrounding it. However, I would find it refreshing if a candidate said, "I used to think about this one way, but I have since learned otherwise and now think about it differently." I value one's ability to learn from mistakes, to admit error or to model growth. It is something our current president seems unwilling to do and our presidential candidates seem to avoid all together.

I might suggest instead a national day of flip-flopping where all of us admit the mistakes we have made in the past decade and what we have learned or changed because of it. I think it would be good for us. I know it would be good for our country.