Reshaping Our Future

My years in elementary and junior high school were less than stellar. I actually flunked seventh grade, and am one of the few people I know who can say seventh grade was the worst two years of my life. But of all the teachers that had left their painful mark, by far and away my fifth grade teacher was the most traumatic. Her name was Miss Barr.

Built like a fire hydrant, with a helmet of black hair atop a mean and dour face, she was every fifth grade boy’s nightmare. My typical memory was of her verbally scolding and abusing me in front of the class. She'd repeat over and over what a loser I was and that I would never amount to anything--that I was basically worthless. For the next four years she was right, until my parents sent me off to a private school that I credit with saving my life.

Thus it was with shock and surprise that thirty years later I found myself sitting in a restaurant at a table in front of her. She looked exactly the same, down to the sensible shoes, except her hair helmet was now all white.

“Look”, I whispered to my wife, “It’s Miss Barr!”

It was as if the very mention of her name would summon the devil. My voice had the timber of an eleven year, understandable because I was immediately transported back to a scared fifth grader in my old elementary school. And now, sitting behind me, was the unforgiving arch nemesis of my childhood. I immediately started to construct a passionate monologue in my mind. I leaned over to my wife and said, “There’s an old Klingon expression, ‘Revenge is a dish best served cold.’”

I was going to go over, look her in the face and say, “Miss Barr. You said I would never amount to anything. But I now have a Ph.D., a successful business and am making ten times what you make. You were wrong then, and I can only pray you have not done terrible damage to the many children who have crossed your path.” Oh, this was going to be good.

Just to be on the safe side, and more than a bit curious, I proceeded to eavesdrop on her conversation. Who knows, I thought. Maybe I misjudged her. Maybe I should give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she is actually a sweet and lovely woman who I have miscast from the fragile perspective of an eleven year old.

What I heard confirmed I was instead right. Miss Barr spent the next fifteen minutes in some of the most vicious gossip-mongering I had ever witnessed. She was mean-spirited, vindictive and down-right nasty. OK I thought. My feelings are quite justified. This woman is a vampire. She’s going down and I’ve got the stake and hammer right here!

Disregarding the pleading eyes of my wife, I summoned my strength and decided to step into my revenge. This was my moment of truth. This was what I had waited thirty years for—vengeance was mine, sayeth the Lord. I strode over to her table, looked her calmly in the face and said, “Excuse me. Miss Barr?”

Without hesitation, she squinted, looked up at me and rasped, “David Baum!”

Dear God. The woman had super human powers too. Not one to be thrown off my game plan I decided to launch into my prepared speech. I took a deep breath and suddenly the most amazing thing happened. I had a shift of thinking. Instead of seeing her as a mean-spirited and vindictive autoctrat I saw a sad and troubled old woman, retired by now with only her gossip and memories to keep her warm.

I looked at Miss Barr and quietly responded, “I just wanted to say that I have turned out quite well. I have a doctorate, my own business and am in part who I am today because of you. I wanted you to know that.” I didn’t lie, but I did give only a humane portion of the truth. After all, I thought, what ultimate good would it have done?

Did Miss Barr soften? Did we have a moment that connected us in a new way? No…not really. She stiffened, looked me coldly in the eye and said, “I knew all you needed was a little prodding from your laziness” and then looked away. I had been dismissed.

But when I left the restaurant a few seconds later I felt ten feet tall. Somehow in my re-shaping of my history with Miss Barr I had given myself something that no amount of anger and retribution could provide. I had given myself respect. Whatever demons she had represented were now gone. I felt lighter.

I think the lesson is if we are willing to see past our memories to how things really are then we can shift at any time away from our past. It requires thinking differently about our history and then acting differently towards our future.